The Most Californian Salad In The World

Growing up in ‘70s/’80s California had its perks. One of them was NOT the acres of revolting Alfalfa Sprouts forced upon us, the children of hippies. They were jammed into every sandwich, salad, and jug of kefir we were served. Picture a handful of thread-thin eels mashed inextricably into helpless avocado. Earthy does not begin to address Alfalfa Sprout’s signature fresh-rot flavor. I wish one of the Hippy Nobles like Grace Slick would have intervened. Calm down my nude trippers, particularly with the sprouts. 

Vegetables?

What’s so ironic is that Alfalfa sprouts saw their heyday during a time of revolutionary social honesty. Yet nobody had the guts to address the elephant in the room–alfalfa sprouts were (are) the cold, wet, pubic hair of vegetables.

Nut-burgers

None of the big wigs had the nut-burgers to take a stand. Jerry (Garcia) could have made a difference but he was too busy mastering the tantric art of never stopping songs. Jerry was a hippy who enjoyed his sprout-free Philly Cheese Steaks. People didn’t pay attention. Sure his brothers and sisters fell in line with tangling up their beards and naming their actual, human children Jed-Begonia and Truckin’-Aoxomoxoa. His festooned playmates were up for never taking showers but not a single reveler had the Spiritual-Consciousness required to OMIT alfalfa sprouts from burritos.

Plague

It took a heroic sacrifice on Jerry’s part, but Alfalfa Sprouts were finally called out for the plague they are. He drove the message home by becoming a vegetarian, then immediately dying of a heart attack.

“Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.” (From “Scarlet Begonias,” words by Robert Hunter, music by Jerry Garcia)

Committed Citizens

A lot of terrible elements from the past are rearing their ugly heads: misogyny, racism, Jeff Sessions–and Alfalfa Sprouts. We need to stay strong. We can defeat obsolete forces of the past if we unite. We can flood the universe with positive vibes and recipes which EXCLUDE Alfalfa Sprouts.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” –Margaret Mead

That’s why I’m sharing this recipe: The Most Californian Salad In The World–which contains ZERO Alfalfa Sprouts. You’re done son! —What I say, what we can all say to Alfalfa Sprouts (and Jeff Sessions).

U.P.B.

This is a great salad to bring to a potluck. Just remember, NEVER forget to put bacon in a potluck salad. No need to identify your salad with a Contains Bacon sign. Unidentified Potluck Bacon is how vegans get 100% of their essential fatty acids–important for brain function. U.P.B. is why vegans remember how to use zippers. Notice all those organic cotton Pullovers?

The Most Californian Salad In The World

  • Yield: 4-12
  • Prep Time: 50 minutes
  • Cook Time: 35 minutes

Ingredients

  • 1 giant bunch or 2 small to medium bunches Kale (I used Dino Kale because I am a Paleontologist)
  • 1 cup raw pumpkin seeds
  • 1 cup raw slivered almonds
  • 1/2 pound bacon. I mixed it up with a big 1/8 pound hunk of extra thick bacon steak--because I like to party.
  • two large avocados
  • 1 medium sized orange, peeled and sectioned. Slice sections into thirds.
  • 1/2 pound fresh cherries (about 40 cherries)
  • 3-4 apricots
  • 1 small or 1/2 medium shallot (about 1/4 cup minced).
  • 2 big, fresh cloves garlic
  • 3-4 eggs, boiled, peeled, sliced.
  • 1 tablespoon tamari or soy sauce
  • 3-4 tablespoons olive oil
  • 2 tablespoons mayonaise (until I find a decent organic mayo outside of my own homemade, I will use Best Foods/Olive Oil)
  • 1 teaspoon tamari
  • one large lemon, peeled, seeded
  • 1/2-1 cup combined, fresh, chopped herbs: dill, Italian parsley, thyme, oregano
  • 1-2 tablespoon rice vinegar (plain or seasoned)
  • 1-2 teaspoons lemon juice
  • 1/2 teaspoon wasabi powder or about 1 teaspoon prepared wasabi
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • OPTIONAL 1-2 tablespoons capers
  • 1/4-1/2 teaspoon white pepper
  • 1/4-1/2 teaspoon honey

Instructions

  1. In a pot of salted water boil 2 artichokes for 25-30 minutes or until leaves come off easily and heart is tender 😉
    Cool and slice in half. Remove the choke--just the fine chok-ey part. Not the purple flower leaves. Stop there. Slice the halves in halves or thirds if you are able.

  2. Toss 1 cup each raw, slivered almonds and raw pumpkin seeds together with 1 tablespoon tamari. Bake in a 315 degree oven for 10 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove from oven at the first sign of browning.

  3. If the ribs are thick, remove them from your kale. Tear or chop kale leaves into 1-2 inch pieces.

  4. Drizzle 2 tablespoons olive oil and 1 teaspoon lemon juice over the fresh chopped/torn kale. Massage oil and lemon into the leaves for 20-30 seconds. You're not taking each leaf and rubbing its "back". You're just crunching the kale around with both hands using moderate pressure. Not so much pressure that you are gritting your teeth and trembling. Just enough to lightly dent the leaf so the oil and acid can soften it. Cover and let sit 15 minutes

  5. Boil 4 eggs. Peel and slice per your desire. I sliced mine in half.

  6. Slice 40 cherries to remove pits. My method: Slice the cherry "meat" off each side of the pit. Pop the remaining pit into your mouth to eat the clinging fruit and spit pit in yard. This way you get to eat the equivalent of about 13 cherries--your reward for preparing this food.

  7. Cook your bacon to your liking. Chop or tear into bite size pieces. Don't talk to me about Baco's or Turkey Bacon. Fake News.

  8. Pit and slice apricots. Peel and slice orange sections into thirds.

  9. PREPARE THE DRESSING:
    I made mine in a food processor. A blender works. So does a potato masher or a fork and whisk.

  10. Pit and peel two medium-large avocados. Place them in a food processor with 1 medium-large peeled and seeded lemon. Not lemon juice. The fruit of the lemon minus skin and seeds. Even one sneaky seed will make your dressing bitter and gross. Find your glasses.

  11. Add 2 tablespoons olive oil, 2 tablespoons mayonnaise, 1-2 tablespoons rice vinegar, 1 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon wasabi powder and 1/4-1/2 teaspoon white pepper, 1/4-1/2 teaspoon honey.

  12. Add 1-2 fresh, peeled, smashed cloves garlic and peeled shallot.

  13. Lightly chop dill, parsley, thyme, oregano to measure 1/2-1 cup fresh herbs. Place in food processor.

  14. Process. Blend in food processor until you get a pourable dressing consistency. Add a touch of olive oil, vinegar or A LITTLE water to reach your preferred consistency.

  15. Taste. Correct. Taste.

  16. Toss sliced cherries, sliced apricots and orange pieces with kale. Toss this with about 2 tablespoons of the dressing

  17. Arrange salad on a big platter or in individual bowls. Add bacon over top of salad. Sprinkle toasted seeds over bacon. Drizzle dressing over top. Serve each person a slice of artichoke and a little dressing on the side for dipping leaves.
    Optional: sprinkle capers in there too.

  18. Feel Californian. You are a Golden Nation caressed by the gentle breezes of the Pacific Ocean, ruled by a Golden Bear. Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile.

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