Drunk Popsicles


Ever wonder why kids are targeted so hard by the Popsicle Lobby? Me neither. Obviously it’s because many kids have restricted access to sugar. You could give these kids a bag of glucose and they’d love it. I was not that sort of kid. I had a green light with sugar—my mom was at work. I took liberties.

Some of my friends endured crushing parental restrictions around food. What a rip off. Some mom would bust in on our sensitive and dangerous game of Real-Clothes-On-Real-Cats with a zany smile: Guess what we’re having for desseerrrrrt? Homemade Fruit-Juice POPSICLES!!!

Ooooh, you froze some juice? Let me call the Food Network. Really lady? I’d rather eat the blood-stained ice from your meat-freezer.

Nothing To Celebrate

 My mom would never in a million years buy bullshit health treats. If we had dessert, which was rare, we had ice cream, pie, or something all the world could recognize as special—cake. Frozen juice was something that happened by accident—nothing to celebrate. Sometimes our ancient fridge would, for no reason, get all jacked up and freeze the juice, milk, lettuce—everything in there. Frozen.

Nowadays, many of my friends won’t eat dairy, gluten, grain, tree-nuts, peanuts, legumes, soy, nightshades, lampshades, or animal products. Sometimes I manage to make a delicious meal for these freaks but by the time dessert rolls around all I can think to do is sprinkle Stevia on a bowl of gravel.

Interestingly, every single one of my special, health-alert, food-sensitive friends has no problem with wine. Healthy alcohol! I don’t blame them. If I was choking down liters and liters of fermented Bok Choy suspended in Chia gel I’d be hittin’ that bottle hard.

For my friends who are special—too special for ice cream and cakes—I give you Grown Up Popsicles

*You’re not an idiot so I don’t need to tell you not to serve to kids. Freezing does not diminish alcohol’s super powers.  

Drunk Popsicles

  • Yield: 6-8
  • Prep Time: 20
  • Cook Time: Don't cook!


  • 16 ounces pitted cherries, fresh or frozen.
  • 1 small red beet (golf ball sized).
  • 1 cup red wine. (I used SUPER FANCY Porter Bass Pinot Noir because my friends are worth it... and it's gathering dust in my cabinet.)
  • A handful of lemon balm leaves divided. Save a bit for garnishing popsicles if you serve on saucers
  • 3 tablespoons brown sugar
  • 2-3 medium size green pears, peeled and chopped. About 2 cups.
  • 1 (1/2)-2 cups green grapes
  • 1 cup champagne or sparkling wine.
  • 3 tablespoons granulated sugar
  • A few lavender blossoms, no stems. 1-2 teaspoons. Save some for garnishing popsicles if you serve them on saucers.


  1. FOR RED POPSICLES---Use the red popsicle ingredients.
    FOR GREEN POPSICLES---Use the green popsicle ingredients.

  2. Place color coded ingredients into a food processor or blender. Process or blend until very smooth.

  3. Pour immediately into popsicle freezing vessel. Set the popsicle sticks. Place this in the freezer overnight. Alcohol doesn't want to freeze solid.
    I used a popsicle freezing apparatus. You can also freeze these in espresso cups, shot glasses etc. Set the bottom of the stick in the center and let it fall and rest on the brim. You could get super PTA-Mom about it and cover the cups with Saran wrap, slice holes for the popsicle sticks---but don't. Your edgy, sideways popsicles will work fine. Serve them on a saucer. Garnish with fresh lemon balm or lavender.


Champagne and other lower alcohol wines freeze fastest. The lower the alcohol content the faster/easier your popsicles firm up.


  1. These refreshing popsicles have my interest and I have a recipe question. Do you suppose I could be successful subbing the fresh cherries for brandied cherries? Likely I will need to wash down this popsicle with some sort of creamy chocolate.

    1. I suggest straining the brandied cherries well. Now you’ve got cherry’d brandy. The more alcohol, the longer and colder the freeze time–sounds delicious though! Pairs well with Lava Cake 🙂

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