Cheese Crispy Keto-Chips

  1. Fish Oils–

Be honest. Do you worry your kids will turn out stupid? I don’t mean, will they make stupid mistakes? They will. I’m talking, will they be idiots? Trump Stupid. I worried about this when I was pregnant.

I jumped through all the hoops. I drank tankards of flax and Cod Liver oil. Per day, I choked down six organic, fist sized, dappled green, prenatal vitamins. Six. Supplements? I’ll say. It’s a miracle there was room for any babies. You guys, morning sickness might be a myth–the puking could be from fish oils.

Blabbermouths

In an effort to come up with fresh takes on the Niagara Falls-level flow of Trump-related BS, political pundits and other blabbermouths will say things like: “We mustn’t count Donald Trump as stupid. He has nimbly harnessed the entire swollen, rotting, diabetic-foot sector of American voters–and that takes genius.” Um. No it doesn’t.

Vodka Bloat

It takes money and balls (and he’s all balls–look at his face). It takes shameless greed to prey on vulnerable, prejudiced people. What thrusts a wealthy, 70 year old, homophobic, white, American dude into endless nights of extra-heavy petting with scads of vodka-bloated Russian business men? Monster Avarice. Trump is super greedy–not smart. Obviously, his kids are idiots too.

Can we stop conflating financial and mental advantage? Repeat after me: Power does not equal smarts. Money is not intellect. Greed is not brilliance. Greed is magnetically, addictively designed to get what it wants. Simple. I don’t know why I’m spending this beautiful summer day trying to convince anyone the Trump gene is straight-up nitwit code. Trust me. I’m a cook. The White House is currently a den of SFBs.

The kind of “cunning brilliance” Trump and fam. display is middle-of-the-pack kindergarten at best. Hiding toys so others can’t play with them. Being unwilling to try sauces other than ketchup. Hitting. Telling the grownups you didn’t pee on the floor. Trump isn’t a stupid adult. He’s a moderately stupid five-year-old.

Here’s the thing: As soon as I saw my babies I knew it didn’t matter if they turned out to be blockheads. They would be MY little blockheads. This sort of egotistical instinct is why Lil’ dumb-dumb Donnie Jr. will not be rowed out onto the lake and Fredo-dunked to swim with the fishes. . .

Political commentator and GOP strategist Anna Navarro wondered if Donald Jr. had been dropped on his head. Without doubt. Not much can be done about Lil’ D’s genes and head injuries (possibly multiple) but advances in brain science are exploding. The super smarties in silicon valley and other nerd-enriched regions are embracing brain-fueling Keto diets to stimulate mental function. Keto-diets supposedly pitch the body into mild ketosis in order to hyper-fuel the brain on luxurious, intelligent fat–instead of plain-old, stupid carbs. The theory is simple: your brain will function on practically ANY fuel–stale, garbage bagels for example. If compost worthy carb-crumbs work, why not treat ourselves by eating ONLY grass-fed beef tallow?!

Yeah, I don’t totally get it either but I am testing it out. I’m omitting EVERY single kind of sugar and carbohydrate from my diet for 2 weeks (with zero medical guidance. DANGER. Don’t do what I’m doing!). So far, after one week, my mouth feels like candles have been melted into it and every night I dream I own a bakery. I’m getting pretty fat and I don’t feel smart yet. All for science though. I wrote this recipe for Keto-Chips (Savorbang Cheese Crisps) since I want Pringles like a priest wants to party.

On the upside, it’s confirmed–my kids are NOT stupid. They’ve taken out a life insurance policy on me. Yasss Girls! Cod liver oil paid off.

*There are two Cheese Blends for the chips: Basque Blend and Bernie Blend. The Basque blend calls for a Basque sheep cheese like Manchego and dried, smoked Piment de Espellete. Parmesan and paprika would work as a substitute. The Bernie blend uses Vermont cheddar and Swiss (universal healthcare) Emmental cheese. No substitutes on this. You can’t water down a revolution! 

Cheese Crispy Keto-Chips (Savorbang Cheese Crisps)

  • Yield: 30 medium crisps
  • Prep Time: 20-30 minutes
  • Cook Time: 5-7

Ingredients

  • BASQUE BLEND
  • 3-4 cups Hard Basque sheep cheese like Spanish Manchego.
  • 8-10 ounces Basque summer sausage or salami
  • 1 teaspoon ground Piment de Espellette
  • 1 big handful of fresh herbs like: Oregano, Thyme, Sage
  • 1/2-1 teaspoon salt
  • BERNIE BLEND
  • 3-4 cups mixed Vermont medium cheddar and Swiss Emmental (hard, sharp cheese)
  • 8-10 ounces crisp, sugar-free bacon
  • 1 bunch chives
  • 1 teaspoon poppy seeds
  • 1/2-1 teaspoon salt

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

  2. Process ingredients in a food processor until you have a coarsely blended dough.

  3. Roll out dough between sheets of parchment paper. Use a Pellegrino bottle if you still can't find your rolling pin. The thinner you roll the dough, the crispier your chips and the shorter the baking time.

  4. Leave rolled out dough on parchment and bake in a 425 degree oven for 5-7 minutes. Mine was rolled thin enough to be finished and crispy in 5 minutes.

  5. Remove from oven and let cool. When cool and crisp, break or cut into desired sizes. I cut mine with kitchen shears.

  6. Serve plain, with dips like guacamole, in salad. If you are trying to stick to a Keto diet, keep these greeezy suckers in your purse for when you pass an Oreo cookie warehouse.

 

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