Fast and Fancy Fresh Cheese

 

Triggered.

Ladies, it’s not always Depression, Anxiety, or PMS. Sometimes it’s just Texas.*

Rape Insurance, Texas? Rape Insurance? You’re going there? It’s like you think we’re having a Creepy Tool competition. You win. You have Ted Cruz, so you will always have the Creepy Tool popular vote. And Texas, you are in no danger of slipping. You’ve got Creeps in the bank: Vanilla Ice, Meth-Bikers, Barney. You spawned the freakin’ “Eyeball Killer”. Relax. Pace yourselves. Y’all have some Hall of Fame Tools.

Future Rapes

Well played, Texas. Seize the moments between nuclear war and American-Nazi terror attacks to casually PROPOSE A LAW REQUIRING WOMEN TO MAKE FINANCIAL ARRANGEMENTS FOR THEIR FUTURE RAPES.

How does this play out, Texas? How shall we set premiums? Numbers-wise, a ton of Native American women are raped every year. Will their premiums be highest? Or maybe female prisoners? They get raped all the time. Maybe they can make extra license plates and such to cover sky-high premiums?

Argument?

It’s kind of like smokers vs. non smokers and cancer risk. Women—not men—run the greatest risk of being raped. Since there’s only a teensy-weensy chance men will get raped, maybe they could go without the insurance? Oh wait. Never mind. ALL care for men, raped and un-raped, is covered already.

It’s those pesky rape-pregnancies women complain of. If women would just settle down, COMPLETELY CHANGE THE TRAJECTORY OF THEIR LIVES FOREVER—PERHAPS SINKING INTO POVERTY—DYING, SUFFERING SUSTAINED PTSD AND/OR OTHER RELATED MENTAL ILLNESSES, and have the babies their rapists planted in their bodies, we wouldn’t even be having this argument.

Who’s arguing, Texas? No one . . . You are wrong.

Civil War

I’m not an idiot. I realize I live in a Northern California bubble—the average person in my community understands that abortion is a constitutionally protected, medical procedure—THAT WOMEN CAN CHOOSE TO HAVE. Most of us understand that while emotions ran hot during the battle leading up to the decision, and some people were disappointed with the outcome, the deal is now done—just like The Civil War, BY THE WAY.

I know there are positives to Texas—it’s not Mississippi. Another positive: Texas has a ton of Mexicans (because like 12 seconds ago, it was Mexico). So Texas has great Mexican food and culture. Texas provided us with Beyonce, Steve Martin and Forest Whitaker. Thanks, Texas.

Positive + Positve = Negative?  (  .  )(  .  )

Breast implants were invented in Texas. Good for you, Texas—fighting the Good Fight. Whatever your opinions on breast implants, keep in mind: no matter how round and beguiling they may be, those “breasts” are no substitute for creamy, exquisite, fresh, homemade cheese (recipe below).

Remember Ladies, next time you feel woozy and think you have Implant Related Autoimmune Disorder, Ketotic Dehydration, or Cancer. Take a breath, check in with your body: See, it’s just Texas.

Find serenity, escape the news, and make new friends—with Fast and Fancy, Fresh Cheese. It’s an exquisite appetizer to serve at your next Book Club Gathering. (I wish I had a book club)

Suggested reading: We Should All Be Feminists—by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

*Sorry, Austin. You keep Being The Change..               

 

   

Fast and Fancy Fresh Cheese

  • Yield: 28 ounces
  • Prep Time: 2 minutes
  • Cook Time: 12

Ingredients

  • 1/2 gallon whole milk
  • 1/2 cup cream (Optional, but recommended)
  • 1/2 cup lemon juice
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • OPTIONAL:
  • Fresh minced or chopped herbs or other seasonings like lemon zest and smoked paprika (Piment d' Espellette).

Instructions

  1. Stirring continuously, heat milk and cream to about 196 degrees. Do not scald milk. Sustain 196 degree temperature for a minute or so. It's at the correct temp if milk is foaming but not boiling.

  2. While stirring, do not scrape the bottom of the pot. You don't want little browned bits of scalded milk in your cheese.

  3. Remove pot from heat and drizzle 1/2 cup lemon juice over hot milk while you gently and slowly PRESS the juice into the milk with a mixing spoon or spatula. DO NOT STIR. Just lift the spoon out and press it down into the milk about 8 times. You are distributing the acid (lemon juice) to curdle the milk but not disturbing the curds. Never disturb the curds (or Kurds).

  4. Let curdling milk sit still for 20 minutes. Cover with cheese cloth if you have a bunch of flies in your house or if plaster is falling from the ceiling.

  5. Line a colander or strainer with cheese cloth. I used a very loose-weave, undyed cheese cloth from Whole Foods. I'll call it Hippie Cheese Cloth. It's weave is not quite tight enough so I used a triple layer in my colander.

  6. Let cheese curds sit in the cheese cloth/strainer for 10-20 minutes.

  7. Draw up the corners of the cheese cloth to gently tie into a bundle. Make a knot.

  8. Hang cheese bundle in refrigerator over a container (like a bowl).

  9. I ran a chopstick through my cheesecloth knot and balanced the chopstick over a bowl for my cheese to "set" in the refrigerator.

  10. Leave cheese to dehydrate and firm up for about 12 hours, depending on your firmness preference. After 12 hours, my cheese was smooth and spreadable but firm. I could slice it into rounds but it wasn't crumbly and dry.

  11. I opened one cheese bundle after one hour and it was creamy and spreadable like a softened cream cheese.

  12. When your cheese is at your preferred firmness, press it out and sprinkle salt and seasonings to your taste. Turn over to add more seasonings. Knead to distribute flavors.

Notes

Serve this cheese on crackers, bread, or dollop into soup. Try adding cinnamon and honey. Scoop it onto pancakes or apple pie. Roll it up in a savory or sweet crepe!

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