If Hurricane Harvey doesn’t bring you to Jesus regarding climate change then you’re the type of person who perishes in the sinkhole you are filming with your phone. You are likely a member of a select genetic group of knowledge resistant individuals—scientific name: Albus Moronicus. It’s confusing, I know. Listen:
Waiting Inside your skin(etc.) there exists a magic, invisible code(genetic) which predisposes you to things like being stupid. Next, something in your environment, like Mountain Dew or Country Crock, triggers the “code”. Bam! you’re a dummy and thoughts is hard to do.
Any nitwit who’s eaten a chili dog with a large milkshake can 100% comprehend the science behind climate change. Those two parallel chemical events can be explained with the same simple sequence:
- You got greedy and screwed up.
- Now you are going to pay.
We know, for a fact, Climate Change Deniers practically live on chili-dogs and milkshakes. So why do so many of them appear unable to link the legos on this problem? It’s true, the Flat Earth Society/GOP stacks its shelves with clay-for-brains, Breitbart guzzling dolts—predisposing the whole party to nincompoop-hood. But, it doesn’t take a New York Times readin’, Yankee-schooled Liberal to notice the crocs melting off your feet in the Walmart parking lot. It’s getting hotter, numbskulls!
That’s just mean and inaccurate, you say? You know plenty of science-savvy Republicans. Well, unfortunately for us, those ones are as Hyena-Level greedy as their Universal Blight of a leader. Greed and willful ignorance are the top causes of climate change. We need practical home-strategies to cope with an increasingly hot planet and the chumps who won’t know facts.
Heat waves will be the least of our concerns but let’s prepare for them by learning to make delicious, cooling foods that don’t require cooking.
In southern Spain, summer temperatures regularly clothesline citizens with triple digits. I remember foolishly going out to run an errand one summer in Sevilla—mid-day, peak heat. All the fact-absorbent people were inside their chilled apartments eating glacial soups, cold meats, and cheeses.
I made it halfway down the street when my shoes melted. I stumbled, because that’s what happens when your sandals turn to bubble gum. I felt my eyes poaching in my skull. I rushed home with my eyelids squinched to slits for fear the heat rising off the cobblestones would broil my eyeballs to juiceless rocks.
The Spanish shelter in place Every Day. It’s called Siesta. The hottest part of the day is spent eating and having indoor quiet time. Civilized geniuses. When it’s super-hot out, they eat Gazpacho—a delicious chilled soup. Every single person I cooked with in Spain, coincidentally, possessed The Most Authentic recipe for: Gazpacho, Paella, Dried Tuna Heart, etc.
Gazpacho Sonoma Savorbang
- 4 cups fresh, ripe, chopped tomatoes
- 1/2 medium size, red onion
- 3 cups cleaned, seeded, and chopped mild peppers. I used 1 red bell and a few orange and red Cubanelles.
- 2 1/2 - 3 cups peeled, seeded cucumbers. 2-3 medium sized cucumbers. I used 1 large, white-ish, Armenian cuke and a couple of lemon cucumbers.
- 1/3 stale, sourdough baguette with outer crust removed. I Used a sourdough baguette from Boulangerie Basque in Sonoma.
- 1/2 cup olive oil. Use the best olive oil you can find--first cold pressed, if possible.
- 2-3 cloves garlic
- 2 tablespoons lemon juice. I used the one, prized, Meyer lemon from the gangly tree in my micro-yard.
- 1-2 tablespoon Sherry vinegar.
- 7 small red grapes or three large.
- 1/2-1 teaspoon ground white pepper
- Salt to taste (at least 1/2 teaspoon)
Save prep time by purchasing ingredients a day ahead and chilling in the fridge overnight. Not a necessary step.
Clean and seed the peppers. Loosely chop peppers and place in a blender or food processor.
Peel and chop 1/2 red onion into 4-5 pieces. Place onion pieces into blender.
Peel and lightly chop 2-3 cloves garlic. Place garlic hunks into blender.
Use a grater, a mandolin, or a sharp knife to remove the outer crust from 1/3 of a stale, sourdough baguette. Chop peeled baguette chunk into medium cubes. Add bread cubes to blender.
Pour 1/2 cup olive oil over blender contents. Blend until very smooth. Scrape down the sides a few times to get all the contents completely smooth.
Pour blended contents into a large bowl or pitcher.
Add cleaned and loosely chopped tomatoes to the blender. Some people remove the seeds from their tomatoes for Gazpacho. I do not.
Add lemon juice and sherry vinegar to tomatoes.
Blend well, but NOT until creamy. This batch should be a bit less smooth than the first batch. Leave some texture.
The sourdough bread, Meyer lemon and Sonoma county grapes give this Gazpacho a signature Norcal flavor profile. This is my favorite Gazpacho.
Serve VERY COLD with a slice or two of bread and maybe a little dish of extra olive oil. Chop some hardboiled eggs and sprinkle on top if you like.
On its second day, I served this gazpacho for breakfast with a fried egg, a handful of arugula and a dollop of extra tart yogurt. Fresh cracked black pepper makes a nice garnish as does chopped Italian parsley or chives.