What’s more American than apple pie? Hmm . . . Apples originated in Central Asia, so . . . Racism. Racism is more American. America has a nightmarish problem, and so far, there hasn’t been a pie to highlight the issue. Until now.
Americans aren’t the only racists, we’re just the best. You should hear the Spanish talk about Gypsies. You’d think you were back in Ole’ Alabammy. Nah, the US didn’t invent racism, we perfected it. #MAGA
Right from the get-go we maxed out as racists, operating at Racism-Level 100 (remember slavery?). There’s only one level after 100, it’s level 101+. Racism Level 101+ is so horrifying—there aren’t words to describe it. Just picture Anne Coulter’s neck slathered in Miracle Whip.
I will never pretend to know what racism is like for a person of color. However, I can report on what racism looks like among some white people who identify as Definitely-Not-Racist. It looks like little white kids at Halloween parties dressed up as Gypsies, Native Americans, Mexicans, and Rastafarians. Definitely-Not-Racism looks like the frozen yogurt shop that posts the sign, Yogurt Cultures Matter.
Like pie, which sometimes appears to be a dessert when it is really a savory dinner meal, a person might look like the least racist person in the world, what with her billowing, extra wide-legged yoga pants—but in fact, she probably has some Inner-Bigot work to do. This is what it sounds like when you say you are not racist and defend your, Compost Matters t-shirt:
“Number one, I am the least anti-Semitic person that you have ever seen in your entire life. Number two, racism—the least racist person, quiet, quiet QUIET!” —Donald Trump, at a press conference, addressing accusations he is racist. Spoiler, he is great at racism, terrific racist, the best.
Shelter Hamsters Matter
Here’s what my fellow white friends should understand about appropriating the word Matter for their issues: None of your challenges Matter.
If you’re honest, you’ll admit your issues are mostly temporary inconveniences and irritations. For example, this tweet:
“Omg, barista put soymilk in my supposed almond latte. Now I have G. A. S. I look 6 months pregnant. #hatemylife #farting”
Jokes aside, of course you struggle. You face challenges like anyone else. Remember last June, when you got poison oak? Traffic! You face a lot of commute traffic. There’s that unusual mole on your shoulder—that’s a concern. You adopted a shelter rabbit who eats your electrical cords. Your life is full of sacrifices and strife, but it doesn’t call for a Matter bumper sticker. Can you see how that would be gross?
Listen, when you pilfer the word Matter from the Black Lives Matter movement, for your pet concern (Stray Kittens Matter), you equate your issue with racism. Remember racism, from earlier? That crazy combo of oppression born of kidnap, brutality and slavery. That thing causing dramatic work, pay, housing, incarceration, education and health inequities, unrelenting private and public humiliation . . .plus murder? You remember racism.
I understand, it can be embarrassing being called out as a bigot when you feel you are definitely-not-racist. It’s awkward to realize you are accidentally perpetuating the oppression of your fellow Americans/brothers and sisters. Oops. Here’s the thing, suck it up and wake the hell up. It is definitely Not About You.
If you are still having trouble grasping the subtleties of careless racial appropriation, take the helpful quiz below. Use this quiz to test your issue against racism. Good Luck!
Does It Matter Quiz
Instructions: Read the sample essay paragraph. Note whether the essay problem stands up to racism’s level of mattering? Next, fill in the blank with your issue to find out how incredibly racist you sound.
You suffer from weak and painful tendons. Your ligaments become inflamed and irritated after Hot Yoga class. You have tendonitis. When you try to pick up your fermenting crock, it really hurts your wrists. You’ve heard about other people having delicate and aching tendons. It’s a pretty widespread problem. You start thinking: Tendon Health Matters. But, does it matter matter? Or are you just in a little pickle with your wrists . . . and your racism?
- How many of your ancestors were legally raped because they had Tendonitis?
- At what point in American history were people with Tendonitis required to use separate drinking fountains?
- Do people with Tendonitis get pulled over more frequently by law enforcement?
- Have you ever had the feeling you were being followed by security in a department store because of your Tendonitis?
- Did the parents of your white girlfriend/boyfriend forbid you from entering their home due to your Tendonitis?
- When you’re out late at night, do you sometimes wonder if your Tendonitis will get your shot and killed by law enforcement?
- Have you ever been turned down for a bank loan due to your Tendonitis?
- Last summer did you overhear a mother whisper-scream to her child, “Do NOT get in the swimming pool with those people with Tendonitis”?
Yeah, so no. No, you cannot borrow Matters and slap it on a t-shirt for your cause. Not without running the risk of getting a pie in the face.
See, everything circles back to pie, eventually. For our featured pie, Racist Pot Pie, I do not suggest using actual racists for the filling. There is not a salt on the market that will cure that rank meat.
Racist Pot Pie
- 1 half - 1 whole rotisserie chicken, boned, chopped
- 3 small-medium carrots cubed
- 3-4 summer squash cubed
- 1 cup corn (I fire roasted mine over the stove burner, then cut it off the cob)
- 1 cup small green peas.
- 1-2 cups green beans, chopped
- 2-3 shallots
- 1 large, sweet, red pepper
- 1-2 teaspoons turmeric
- Salt and black pepper
- 2 cups strong chicken stock or 3 tablespoons Better Than Bouillon Chicken Paste in water.
- 1-2 Yellow Finn or golden potatoes.
- 1-2 cups cream or whole fat coconut milk. I used two cans of full fat coconut milk.
- 1 cup mixed, chopped, fresh sage, parsley and oregano.
- 3 pie crusts
FOR THE CRUST
Make enough of your favorite pie crust to fill 3 9 inch pie pans. I bought and mashed together 3 pre-made, Gluten Free pie crusts at Petaluma Market.
Fill your deepest pie pan with half the crust. I used a big stoneware bowl for a nice deep dinner pie.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Remove meat from 1 half - 1 whole cooked rotisserie chicken. Chop meat into approx. 1 inch pieces. Discard thick, fatty pieces of skin, but include some of the thin, browned chicken skin.
Chop all ingredients and have them ready.
Slice and sauté shallots in a medium to large, heavy bottomed pot until they are translucent and starting to brown.
Add carrots and potatoes. Sauté 1-2 minutes to soften.
Add green beans, summer squash, corn, peas, peppers, and herbs. Stir to combine.
Add broth or stock. I used 3 tablespoons Better Than Bouillon Chicken Base. Let simmer 5 minutes covered.
Add cream or coconut milk. Stir to combine and cool the mixture.
Add filling to bowl or pie pan.
Roll out your pie crust using arrowroot powder instead of whatever flour you normally use. This adds a nice thickener to the filling broth without having to use corn starch.
Share this pie with a person whose struggles are greater than your own. Many hands lift great burdens. Make it light.
Roll out top crust and place over the the pie, pinching edges and shaping the rim.
Use remaining crust to make shapes with cookies cutters or a pairing knife. With an extra deep pie shell or bowl, it's nice to add extra crust to sop up the delicious stew.
This dish is best served on a coffee table or lap, in front of the game. Go Warriors! #kneel.