Gluten-Free Sweet Matcha Greenies

 

If you don’t have a rash, you’re not paying attention. If you aren’t scratching, limping, burping, or sneezing, you haven’t read the news lately.

Inflamed.

Could this year be more inflammatory? Whatever internal regulator my body uses to suspend swelling, blistering and reddening—yeah, those gears are stripped. My thermostat is cracked and my gaskets are all blown to hell.
 
Budget

I need my energy for focusing on ways to grill fish and make pies from crickets. I want to spend, maximum 30% of my time and energy brainstorming ways to prevent the gory downfall of my culture. I didn’t budget, emotionally, for 3 Katrinas, a double Sandy Hook, and a Hefner/Hitler POTUS. Something’s gotta give.

Itch

What gave was my ability to manage my food sensitivities. Though it agonizes me to admit it (I don’t want to be lumped in with ridiculous orthorexics) I have food intolerances: Cow’s milk, wheat, gluten, sometimes walnuts, citrus, sunflower seeds and eggplant, oh, and occasionally pineapple and tomatoes. These things make my hands itch. There. I said it. The whole world knows (haha Savorbang subscribers, we know that’s not true).

Wheat is the big food bully for me. I react to it when I’m stressed, like when I imagine Trump sending late-night texts to Xi Jinping, President of China.

Trump: You up?

Xi: The Commander of China politely declines this communication.

Trump: You’re totally up, Cheeks. That’s your nickname btw. Cheeks. That’s what I call you in my head. Get it? You have great cheeks, little round face. I give everyone nicknames. You should be happy with yours. It’s great. I’m really great at nicknaming. That’s why I’m texting you so late. I’m nicknaming. My best nicknames come to me in the dark hours of early dawn.

Xi: The Leader of The Peoples Republic of China does not engage in Texting. Please seek guidance on proper channels of communication with foreign leaders.

Trump: Haha. I can’t sleep either. Acid reflux. I ate A LOT of very well-done steaks with ketchup for dinner and they didn’t co-relate well with my night-night corndogs. Crappiest chef at the White House—doesn’t know what he’s doing, total Loser. What did you have? Chinese food again? LOL, ROFL, LMAO.

Xi: Kindly review previous message.

Trump: I’m working on a new nickname for KJU of North Gayrhea (get it?). What do you think of these? Rate on scale of 1-10. 10 is greatest, duh. Here goes . . .  Lil’ Kim, Kim Jon-Aint, Vole-Man (Jared thought of that one. He’s an idiot.), Dim Dong-Dumb, or Rocket Man? I’m a major Elton John fan. He’s great. Great American. He wears long coats. He had a tremendous affair with Princess Diana. Moved on her like a bitch. You DID NOT hear any of this from me. I can’t get wrapped up in any more sex stuff, Xi. Seriously.

Xi: Who dis, new phone.

Worse

My imagination is not worse than reality when it comes to our President’s behavior.

Intolerance

Intolerance is the new Black and my body is no different than the GOP, lately. Normally, I can keep my food intolerance reactions to a minimum by eating a clean, wide variety of foods and minimizing trigger foods. Since January 20,  I have had more severe reactions to trigger foods, especially gluten. Ironically, with the GOP and it’s Ebola-spitting Dog-leader in power, I need gluten-rich treats more than ever.

Good Goodies

I’ve had to take matters into my own hands to make a truly satisfying treat. These sweet Matcha Greenies totally do it for me. They have a crackly, butterscotch flavored shell and a creamy, gooey center. You can make them with Xylitol or Stevia if you are some kind of animal, I prefer straight up sugar. I need at least one ingredient to be terrible for me, or it’s not a treat.

Bakers Dozen 

I typically come up with a fully developed recipe within 2-4 trials. These Matcha treats took 13 batches before I had it right. They are so right they’re wrong. So, so wrong, mmmm.

Serve them with Coconut Bliss Vanilla ice cream and you’re good to get back on Twitter, check the New York Times. Read and weep, but with a bowl of Matcha Greenies. (Get it? Like Brownies?) 

Gluten-Free Sweet Matcha Greenies

  • Yield: 10 squares
  • Prep Time: 10 minutes
  • Cook Time: 32-37 minutes

Ingredients

  • 1 1/2 cups white rice flour (Bob's Red Mill)
  • 3/4 cups blanched almond flour (Trader Joe's)
  • 1/4 cup cassava (tapioca) flour
  • 1 1/4 cup granulated sugar
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 1-2 teaspoons powdered Matcha, green tea
  • 2 teaspoons Guar Gum
  • 2 teaspoon vanilla
  • 1/2 cup coconut oil
  • 1/2 cup, plus 2 tablespoons hot water
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

  2. Add 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons hot water and 1/2 cup warm coconut oil to 1 1/4 cups sugar. This allows the sugar to begin to dissolve.

  3. Line a 10x10x2 inch baking pan with parchment paper.

  4. Mix remaining dry ingredients together in a separate bowl. Whisk to fully combine.

  5. Add sugar/water/oil mixture to dry ingredients. Fold to mix.

  6. Pour and spread batter evenly into the parchment lined pan.

  7. Bake for 32-37 minutes, or until top has lightly browned and a toothpick comes out clean from the center of your Sweet Matcha Greenies.

  8. Remove from oven and let the Greenies cool and set for at least 10 minutes. Serve warm with ginger coconut ice cream, or pack these to take on a hike. OMG, I didn't just write, pack these for a hike, did I? Eat these in your car to fix your bitchy, low blood sugar mood like you would eat any sweet treat

Notes

These bars are delicious right out of the oven, but they benefit from time to set. I found they are even more delicious the next day.

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