Holiday Maple Walnut Pie


I will obsess over anything if it gets me to stop worrying about North Korea. Mass shootings are so last week—and where’s the problem? The bad guy died right? Let’s worry about breast cancer.


Medical guidance differs. Yes, definitely get them. NO! Don’t! Yikes, what are you nuts!? It’s like getting a late-night Uber: Will it save, assault, or kill me? Stressful. At least with mammograms the options narrow—assault is a given.

Here is something we know: stress causes inflammation. Inflammation leads to cancer—which means—even wondering about a mammogram causes cancer. We ladies can’t catch a break—what with the 70 cents on the dollar and the mandatory breast cancer.

Wasn’t that photo hilarious, of the 13 men and zero women comprising the GOP working group on healthcare overhaul? Mitch McConnell booked those clowns. He should produce comedies—has the looks for producing.

I hardly ever use the word overhaul, but when I do, I mean dispose of. Like: I think I need to overhaul this back-fat that is squeezing out from under my bra. Some people break the word into two, but it doesn’t change it any. For example: Hey, Cletus, haul that danged tire over here to my burn pile.

Oh, Republicans. You crack me up. Filling a room with 13 men, aged 50-900 and asking them what our nation’s health priorities are. Can’t you just hear these old crocodiles?

Croc 1: (clears throat of cigar phlegm) Healthcare is the number one way to care for the nation’s health. All the doctors I’ve spoken with have underscored the sweeping domestic need to take better care of my prostate.

Croc 2: Mmhm. Mmhm. I second that. Absolutely. 100% agree. I have spoken to doctors myself and the most pressing societal concern brought to my attention—regarding the country’s health—is my testicals. Getting them squeezed a little uncomfortably from time to time is a priority.  We shouldn’t be scared to do it. The nation should just march down there and get it over with.

Crocodiles 3-13: Applause.

(cigar, racism, and porn break)

Meeting adjourned

Actual Nuts

How ironic is it that nuts can prevent breast cancer? Read up on it. Walnuts are the new jogging—but without all the knee surgery.  It’s a crazy mixed up world, kids, but this pie is here to soothe and protect. If you can’t get health insurance, make this pie. You’ll feel good on so many levels, especially gourmet levels.

Soaking the walnuts overnight and then toasting them for 1-8 hours is a silly pain, but the flavor miracle is not to be missed. I used to have allergic reactions to walnuts until I started soaking and toasting them. Apparently, some people are sensitive to the tannins and molds on walnuts and not the actual nut. Look at the color of the liquid I poured off the nuts after soaking them overnight (see pic below)

Cassava flour (tapioca) is a great way to thicken foods. You avoid GMO riddled corn starch, avoid using a hateful grain, and it creates a creamy, delicious medium for the filling. This pie is sweetened with maple syrup—no refined, white sugar. 

Holiday Maple Walnut Pie

  • Yield: 8 slices or scoops
  • Prep Time: depends
  • Cook Time: 40 minutes


  • 2 1/2 cups walnuts (soaked and toasted)
  • 1 1/2 cups maple syrup (I use dark, grade B)
  • 3/4 cup water
  • 1/2 cup butter (Miyokos cultured, vegan butter works perfectly)
  • 1 (1/2) tablespoons vanilla extract (yes, tablespoons)
  • 1 (1/2) tablespoons cassava flour (tapioca flour)
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1.5 standard pie crusts.



  2. Place 2 1/2 cups, or more, walnuts in a big glass or ceramic bowl filled with clean water. Use filtered or spring water to feel extra righteous, and to show those with contaminated or zero water just how good you have it---or use tap water and be grateful.

  3. Let the nuts soak overnight or a while longer. Drain tannic, mold riddled liquid onto your garden plants. Plants love disgusting liquids.

  4. Pre-heat oven to warm, 180 degrees.

  5. Rinse nuts, then lay out on a towel to dry a bit.

  6. Line a baking sheet, or 2, with parchment paper. Spread nuts thinly over paper.

  7. "Bake" or dry the nuts in the oven for up to 12 hours. I leave mine in all day while I'm at work.


  9. I cannot stress how much I dislike making pie crust from ground zero.

  10. I buy two crusts (gluten free for me). I thaw them and knead them together with a bit of cassava flour and 1/4 cup chopped, butter pieces. I use about 1 (1/2) crusts per pie. I freeze the leftover dough or make crust cookies to decorate pie.

  11. Fill your pie pan and prick the bottom several times. Place in freezer or fridge to chill.

  12. Preheat oven to 350 degrees


  14. Add 1 (1/2) cups maple syrup, 1/2 cup butter, 3/4 cups water, 1 (1/2) tablespoons vanilla extract, and 1 teaspoon salt to a large, microwave-safe bowl. Warm to melt butter. Whisk to blend.

  15. Sprinkle 1 (1/2) tablespoons cassava flour into the bowl as you whisk. Whisk until all the little lumps have vanished.

  16. Add 2 1/2 cups walnuts to bowl and mix gently to coat the nuts.

  17. Pour mixture into your chilled pie crust. Place pie pan on a baking sheet.

  18. Bake 35-40 minutes, or until pie crust is light golden brown and filling is bubbling nicely.

  19. Remove from oven and let chill and set for at least 30 minutes.


This pie firms up really well after an hour in the fridge. It's great the second day! It's also delicious while it's still hot, it just falls apart so you will need a spoon--so good with vanilla ice cream!





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